Jesus Followers Talk to People, Not About Them
Pro 25:8-10 Do not go hastily to court; For what will you do in the end, When your neighbor has put you to shame? Debate your case with your neighbor, And do not disclose the secret to another; Lest he who hears it expose your shame, And your reputation be ruined.
A funny thing happens when we are wronged. We put on blinders, only see the right we have done, and only see the wrong someone else has done to us. We forget that there are two sides to every story. We forget that people act and react out of their own personal background. We even forget that sometimes, people hurt our feelings completely by accident. We forget that, while it really hurt our feelings, we may be interpreting the whole incident out of context.
Proverbs reminds us of a biblical truth: We are to talk to people first, not about them. Our instinct is to immediately gather all of the sympathy that we can by bringing all of the shame that is possible on the other person. We begin to circle the wagon, gather a team of enemies against them, and plan our attack strategy.
Proverbs says: “Don’t go hastily to court.” While that might not be our first action today, we typically go directly to the court of public opinion, social media. A subtweet here. A bad review there. A facebook rant that doesn’t mention names, but does mention enough specific details that everyone in town knows exactly who you are talking about. Then we wait for the comments to start rolling in.
Proverbs instead says to take up the issue with the person who hurt you directly, and don’t let anyone else know about it. Why not? Shouldn’t we warn people? In some instances yes, maybe we should. Is someone an actual threat? Are they doing irreversible harm?
There is a cost to going hastily to court, or the court of public opinion. The relationship dies. A neighbor becomes an enemy. And, you get the reputation of someone who friends cannot trust. In trying to gather your team and going on attack to take the other person’s dignity away from them, you actually sacrifice your own dignity in the process. Wise people will distance themselves from you.
Soon, the only crowd that will accept you is those who feed on the drama of loathing others. I have yet to meet a person who does not hate drama. But, I have met very few people who handle their business in a way that avoids drama.
In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus prescribes a process to avoid drama. First, go to the person that has hurt you in hopes of restoring the relationship. This requires that we value relationships over our own pride. If that doesn’t work, go to them again with one or two people that you both can trust. Perhaps in the presence of unbiased witnesses, you can work this out. Maybe they will listen. If that doesn’t work, go to the church. The church is to be a body of witnesses that loves you both and wants a righteous resolution. Perhaps, even then, they will not listen and the relationship cannot be salvaged. But, by protecting their dignity in the process, you have saved your own.
When we value our hurt pride over relationships, we increase the damage done by unfortunate situations. We often find ourselves alone in the end.
